We all get bombarded with requests and demands for our attention and our time. Learning to say “No” in a way that is respectful but firm is a key skill you can develop to handle those requests you simply do not have time for, or the knowledge to do effectively.
I recently re-read the book, The Power of a Positive No, written by William Ury. His book offers great advice and tips for how to say “No” with grace and effect.
In his book, William offers the following specific phrases you can use to say “No” to the demands of others in a manner that is appreciative and flows naturally and sincerely:
A simple “No” or “No thanks.”
Directness has its place, but it can also be expressed gracefully. Adding the word “thanks” to your “No” shows respect and care for the relationship.
A statement that “I have a policy.”
Examples include, “I have a policy to never lend money to friends or family members,” or, “I have a policy to never make significant purchases without first speaking to my wife (or husband, or partner).”
“I have plans.”
A great concrete everyday phrase that can affirm your interests as well as you power without spoiling your relationship is, “I already have plans,” or, “I have another event I’ve committed to that evening.”
“Not now.”
Maybe another time. This softens the blow of a “No” and leaves the door open to a future request. “Not now” should only be used in those cases where there does exist a real possibility for addressing the others’ needs in the future.
“I prefer to decline rather than do a poor job.”
When you decline rather than do a poor job, you are not only affirming your own interests but also paying attention to the relationship. You would both be worse off, and so would your relationship, if you say “Yes” and then a job that turns out to be much less than satisfactory.
Know your limits and acknowledge them freely. Spend your time doing what you do well and what is truly best for you. Both you and the other will be better off in the long run.
[This article was originally posted on an earlier date]
Andy Robinson is a leading authority on career success and 15-year career coaching veteran.
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About Andy Robinson
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These are helpful tips and knowing how to say “no” is a good skill to have; I especially like the last suggestion. I'm not a big fan of the “I have a policy” line. It sounds a bit presumptuous and impersonal, and may even be a bit deceitful – do you really apply this “policy” rigorously, or is it more of a guideline? It seems there would be better statements to make, such as “I'm sorry, I find it best not to lend money to friends or family”, or “I really prefer to discuss such big purchases with my wife”.
Another strategy I use to say no gracefully is the rule of 2+1+1–you say two nice things in response to a request, then say no, then say something else nice. So something like this, “I'd love to come to the event tomorrow night. It seems like a great time. But I already have other plans. Thanks so much for asking.” It's a thoughtful and sincere way to say no.
Kim, love your response. It is a wonderful approach to acknowledging the person's request while keeping personal boundaries intact … with consideration and grace. I look forward to using it to strengthen my relationships. :)
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